Epic Fail

Last time I wrote was February 2018.

I already discussed my commitment issues, so I won’t go into detail about why. I have been meaning to write. There have been several topics in my head, but I just didn’t sit down and do it.   *mental note* Work on my follow through.

Last time I wrote I was on a man fast… Well, let me tell you how that worked out for me.

It didn’t.

I got pregnant.

As many of you know I lost my daughter October 2015 in a fatal car accident.  I can’t count the amount of times people asked me if I was going to have another child. I always answered, “No, I would be too afraid I would have a girl.” I just could not envision having another child, to even think about it made me feel like I was cheating on Ari.  Whenever I would joke with her about having another child she would reply: “No! You don’t need a child because you’re not responsible enough, and I’m not going to watch it.”

She was definitely going to watch it. I pray she is watching over him now.

On January 5, 2019 I gave birth to a baby boy, Aiden Isaiah. Some of you know the story behind Isaiah 43:2. The moment I found out I was pregnant I knew his name would be Isaiah. The moment I found out I was pregnant I knew it was going to be a boy. I was actually going to name Ari Isaiah had she been a boy. Funny how things work.

I didn’t get pregnant while on the man fast, but as soon as my 90 days were up…. two lines on the stick. Actually, there were two lines on all seven of the sticks. One of the sticks was so tired of me instead of two pink lines it said, “Yes! Dee you are knocked up!”

Being pregnant this time around was much different than when I was pregnant at 20 years old, mainly because I am 40 years old. Forty is NOT the new 20, if you think so just try being pregnant at 40.  Throughout my pregnancy I was depressed.  In the beginning I was depressed because I got caught slipping. I was too old to be making these kinds of “mistakes”. Then I begin to feel depressed because it seemed like I was replacing the irreplaceable.  Everyone was overjoyed for me. Many cried, congratulated and self-appointed themselves to roles in the new child’s life.  I tried to be excited, but something was holding me back.

I think it was guilt. I felt guilty for being happy when I had lost the love of my life.

My life is different now.  I have to be structured again. I cannot do what I want, when I want, and it is a major adjustment.  I joke around and tell Aiden that he is not the boss of me, but he is. I am working on his schedule. How did that happen?! Does he not know that EYE am the boss!?

I admit I partied A LOT when I was a young mother with Ari. I didn’t have none of my life together… not na’an part of it.  I don’t remember babies needing this much stuff and I surely don’t remember it being this expensive. So, I had to get back on my shit! GRIND TIME!!!

One thing my mom taught me was how to get a check. When Ari passed I dived into different business ventures to occupy my time.  Work was work, just a method to get paid.  I wasn’t concerned with if what I was doing was my passion, or if it was what God created me to do.  I am good at handling people’s money, but I do not like doing it.  I was just trying to get paid. The motto: Get dis mahknee!!!

I stopped teaching after Ari’s death. Ultimately because I couldn’t handle being in the school environment, even though I know teaching is what I am created to do. For some reason last year, I had the desire to go back into the classroom. I started looking for teaching jobs before I found out I was pregnant.  I also looked for teaching jobs in other states. Yes, I decided that I was going to gather the strength to “leave Ari”.  I finally realized that she wasn’t in Huntsville, it was just where her body was buried.

I am now teaching middle school English. Yeah, close your mouth. I am just as shocked as you.  It has been quite an experience, I am finally (Now that I have made it to the end of the school year) getting the hang of it and I think I kind of like it. I also decided to step out and do something I was trying so hard to avoid doing, publishing books. I established To Dee Moon Publishing for my personal endeavors, I never intended to publish anyone else’s work.  I helped people if they asked for help but I tried not to put myself out there as a publisher.  Then one day, two people that “I can’t stand”, pushed me right into it.  Yeah, once again, God does not consider my plans. He just does what He wants in my life.

So, there you have it.  The update I was supposed to give you “about a year ago”.

Better late than never.

I promise I am going to write more.

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