I wasn’t the traditional college student. When I moved to Georgia to attend Clark Atlanta I had a 4-year-old daughter. My focus and priorities were different than most of my peers. I was trying to be a better woman, so I could be a better mother. Now although my goals were different I still had fun and experienced what many college students experienced, except when it came to dating, because most of the males were younger than me and didn’t want a “ready-made” family.
So I had a “boyfriend” back home in Birmingham, I don’t believe in long distance relationships so we had an understanding. That was until I graduated. After graduation I went into, I’m ready to settle down mode. Not because I was ready to settle down, but because I felt that I had done everything else and it was “just time”. After 3 years of being “together” during college I figured my “boyfriend” from home should be ready as well.
After college I got a job, new car and had a nice place to stay. It felt like me and Ari had made it, except I didn’t have that husband. Although my now ex-husband, loved me he was not ready to settle down, he was still playing the field. But I felt like we had been together too long, I had invested too much in the relationship. So I waited while simultaneously letting him know, “No pressure but if you don’t get your shit together then I’m leaving.”
Now let me explain something…. Me and my ex-husband are the best of friends. We grew up together, we went through a lot together. We aren’t the kind of best friends described in the Instagram wedding anniversary captions. We are the type of best friends that crack on each other, play practical jokes and sit in the bathroom talking to each other while one takes a sh*t kind of best friends. We can complete each other sentences, we are great business partners and we talk about any and everything. However, when it comes to romance, the spark just wasn’t there. I think the best way to explain our marriage was, I was married in the friend zone.
I began to realize that I’m a much better best friend than a wife.
I knew this for years, that I was in the friend zone. But how often do you actually marry your best friend? So I overlooked a lot, and stayed when I knew my marriage was missing a vital part. I grew up with grandparents that were married for 60 years and I was taught you just hung in there, you were supposed to make your marriage work.
Again, I knew I was a much better best friend than I was a wife.
I recently saw an interview where Clifford “T.I.” Harris was discussing his recent relationship issues that he and his wife “Tameka “Tiny” Harris are going through. Not that it’s any of our business but he decided to share. He said in the interview “he is a better best friend than a husband” and I could completely relate to this statement.
He also stated in the interview that “marriage is a distraction”. Whew! This statement made many women on all social media outlets stand on their soap box. But… well… I mean… I get that too. *insert girl shrugging emoji*
See when I graduated from college most of the people who graduated with me pursued careers, traveled and had a good time. Many women I know often told me, “I am focusing on my career right now, I don’t have time for a relationship.” I on the other hand was focused on the relationship………
If I had known THEN what I know NOW!!!
I would have focused on myself. I would have not been distracted with the idea of marriage. Honestly, it was the idea of marriage that I craved, not really marriage.
Do you remember when you were in Middle/High School and whenever you mentioned a boyfriend/girlfriend an adult would say: “Focus on getting your lesson, you don’t need to think about those nappy head little boys.” Or maybe that was just what my mama always said.
Anyway…. I think a lot of marriages/relationships encounter what TI & Tiny are going through. I think that what TI was saying, yet he kind of worded it wrong was:
Right now he is focused on getting to the next level. It’s not that he doesn’t love Tiny, but sometimes we have to sacrifice small things in order to get to the big thing. I’m a woman, I’m a little spoiled and needy. I want what I want, when I want it. I sometimes, on occasions, have expected men to do things MY way. I may have been selfish, and demanded someone’s time when their time should have been spent on more productive things. I have also given of my time when I should have been focused on other things.
I respect Tip. He hasn’t said anything bad against Tiny. He simply was honest in saying, I can’t give you what you need in a marriage, but I know I’m a better best friend.
How many women have complained or gotten mad at men who were not honest about where they wanted the relationship to go? How many times have you heard women say “If you don’t want to be with me then just tell me!” But when a man does tell you that he doesn’t want to be with you then we get mad.
Hell these men can’t win for losing!
I don’t know everything that is going on in TI and Tiny’s relationship, and I don’t care to know. I’m just trying to grow up and get over my own commitment issues. But I’m sure we may get a little insight on things since a new season of Family Hustle begins tonight. (side eyes… Great promo) But I will say that right now, where I am in my life, being in a relationship is a bit of a distraction. That is unless you are tall, dark, with a thick beard & rich…. I mean a little distraction never hurt nobody :)